Disbelief-the inability or refusal to accept that something is true or real
My disbelief did not start in 2015 when my daughter informed me she was diagnosed with cancer. That was just shocking. And at that time, we were just dealing with a diagnosis. We were dealing with treatment. My disbelief began in October of 2018 when she informed me that radiation and chemotherapy did not work.
Disbelief was there when she told me she had to tell my grandchildren. When we were in discussion with the Drs and one of the statements were, they themselves would not know how to address the situation and they realize that it is hard on our family. On my drives home from work at 6am, she would call me around 6:30. And although the tears were rolling down my face, there was disbelief.
Note: I do not remember the month when she told me she did not want me to cry and I told her I would not. As I think about that I will tell anyone if they can get out of it try not to honor that request. I say that because through tears the heart speaks abundantly. That means there were some things that I did not get a chance to say.
So, on those trips home from work when we talked, oh about anything or everything, there was disbelief. (She knew mom was crying, for there is something in the voice when there are tears in the eyes). The inability to accept.
I can’t help but to remember after her mastectomy there was a conversation about reconstruction. Her answer was “We will deal with this first”. That answer lets me know that she was putting up a realistic fight. Win, lose or draw.
And yes, I heard her tell me in 10/18 that the Drs had given her 6-8 months, but I was unable to accept it. I sometimes think if she had perished in an automobile accident that I could have possibly accepted it differently. As I have stated before, I can’t help but to believe suddenly is or can be more readily accepted than the gradual process that we experienced.
Before my brother passed away in 2007, he visited family in different states. We call it making the rounds. My daughter did so too…going places for the last time was not what I was thinking. Disbelief would not let me get that far.
When I am texting, and little snippets of our conversations appear, sometimes disbelief is the quickest, safest place to go. There is a sort of comfort in disbelief.
We were in Las Vegas in December 2018. We even crossed the AZ state line. Disbelief would not let me capture the fact that in a little over 5 months that she would no longer be on the earth. And when she passed away the following May, disbelief would not let me belt out my grief for another month and a half.
People who are in prison often say it is unbelievable to wake up in the morning and realize they are incarcerated. That’s kinda how it is. I went to sleep last night knowing that she is no longer here but when I wake up to today it is again that I must reckon with belief that she is not here.
She was scheduled to return to work in January. She did not. Talking to the Drs. Therapy was ineffective. Making the rounds. Not returning to work. Having to tell the children. It is still hard for me to accept the fact that she is gone, and I do not know where she is. That is painful for any mother. Somewhat like an Animal Kingdom show. The bear came out of the den with 2 cubs. A predator got one of them. She wanders around for a while looking for her baby before she accepts the fact that one of them is gone. We are different animals with different landscapes, but I sure do know how she feels. There is nothing sadder than a helpless mother, whatever the circumstances.
Thank you Ms Roselani. Will do. For myself and hopefully for others too!!!
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You really make it seem so easy with your presentation but I find this topic to be really something that I think I would never understand. Florentia Stewart Sedgewinn
You are right FSS! To be going about your way and then struck in the mid-section with the news of never seeing a loved one on this earth again is not the most understanding thing. Who wants to or can grasp such a thing. It can be both hot and slippery to the touch.
Easy? Easier to write than to feel. But you know what? It makes the feeling part just a little easier…that and time.
Great post. I am facing some of these issues as well.. Bernette Haydon Sherl
Thank you BHS! These issues with a flow all their own is not the easiest to face. I hope the journey of the flow is not too jolting although it can be quite distressing and traumatic. May you find my latest post helpful.
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Enjoy is a wonderful word to hear in times such as these. BTE, I am glad it had that affect!!! May my recently published post at least have the same affect.
This is one awesome blog. Really thank you! Really Great. Bert Gene Slavic
I am glad you enjoyed it and you are so welcome!!!
BGS, I am looking forward to hearing from you on my latest post. Thank You!!!
I like looking through a post that will make men and women think. Also, thank you for allowing for me to comment. Sibylla Erek Luckin
May it make you pause for thought in the future and you are most welcome to comment anytime!!!
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Just getting started! Will continue with improvements as I go. I am glad you found the information to be useful!!!
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Will keep posting. And thank you very much!
May you find my latest newsletter instructive as well.
Really appreciate you sharing this blog post. Keep writing. Dacie Aguie Engenia
Thank you Ms. Engenia. I will keep writing. It helps to transform my memories and feelings to print.
My latest Newsletter has just been released. Don’t hesitate to read it and thank you for your comment!
I am glad you enjoyed the blog! Thank you BTE. My new monthly newsletter has been posted. Hope you enjoy!