To say the least, the road to losing a loved one is vexing.

Vexing-the state of being frustrated, worried and annoyed Bargaining- to negotiate the terms and condition of a transaction Anger-a strong feeling of annoyance, displeasure or hostility

Although anger is listed as one of the stages we go through, and it is descriptive of the way we feel, vexed describes it a little bit better at this point. Its definition contains the word frustration.

Frustration-the feeling of being upset or annoyed, especially because of the inability to change something.

I saw this both with me and my daughter who passed away. I remember her saying that if she were successful in her treatments, she would get more education and just go to work and school. She told me she would try the traveling nurse route for awhile to see how that would be.

Me, I thought my life should be nearer to the end than hers. I raised 3 professionals. My children are grown but hers are not. It was rather frustrating to come up with the idea of changing places with her and not being able to. Not being able to tell her “Hey kid, I know what we will do!  We’ll change places!!! That would have stopped all the conversations about blood counts, hair falling out, chemo, radiation, worry, frustration and annoyance.

When she described the way the treatments made her body feel, we both worried. It was very frustrating for her to go through therapy while not making comments that things were getting exponentially better. We did not know the process or what to expect.  Still, we kept hope.

Everyday she would go into her bathroom and take a bath; she would relax in her tub. Let’s say that in September of 2018 she would still just go in there and just do it. However, by March of 2019, it became quite the task.  What mother could see that and not be annoyed.

Annoyed- irritated

I could not help but to know that she too was irritated. Yes, if there were anyway for our bargaining to have netted her a fuller and longer life you should believe a mother when she says that she would have been at the head of the pack to make sure things went smoothly. Instead our lot was to deal with the frustration, denial, and disbelief. Although engulfed in the situation you still hold on to hope. You anticipate medication doing miracles or at least slowly and efficiently eradicating the invader.

I could not help but to know that she too was irritated. Yes, if there were anyway for our bargaining to have netted her a fuller and longer life you should believe a mother when she says that she would have been at the head of the pack to make sure things went smoothly. Instead our lot was to deal with the frustration, denial, and disbelief. Although engulfed in the situation you still hold on to hope. You anticipate medication doing miracles or at least slowly and efficiently eradicating the invader; you long for that. Even when coming to realizations that the unbelievable is transpiring, you still want to hold onto any morsel of hope or optimism that you can. Needless to say, our hope and bargaining came to an end on 05/28/2019. No more bargaining and hoping. But I didn’t fully hear it or grasp it that day… not until about 3 days later when everyone was leaving and I was walking out of her house toward the front door did I freeze in my tracks. She was no longer there. I was not getting a hug good-bye. No, “I will see you later”. Oh my God, she was no longer here! That would be the first time my tears fell after she died. It would not be the last.

Next newsletter: Anger and Depression