I am both happy and sad at the same time and I am still trying to figure out how that can be-Stephen Chbosky

Amongst other things this was the saddest experience I have ever had. Mainly because Jennifer was someone who wanted life, and no matter how hard she fought and wanted to stay, our hopes weren’t realized. There are many emotions moving all about in this quandary, some very uplifting, some that have potential realities and/or some that are slowly faced. Sadness was kinda around from the start. Its rewarding if one of the potential realities has a rewarding ending. In which case, sadness see you later. But sometimes when the emotions are coming and going, sadness kinda stays. Sadness isn’t like Denial or Disbelief.

Denial-Fear of what you’ll see (revised)

With Denial you just don’t look. Ok then, while I was trying not to look, there is still sadness. Even if it is just sadness because my daughter was going through the healthcare system. Still, you believe in the fight which fosters your disbelief to the possibility of a negative outcome. Due to the reality of the situation, Denial and Disbelief can dissipate, but not sadness. Sadness was there in some form almost from the beginning.

When she first called, she began with I have something to tell you. She said, “Because you and Brian are my parents, I will tell you two first.” I said I was sad almost from the beginning. I wasn’t sad here. I was shocked. I was alarmed. I had to have more of the conversation. I was curious. I was being enlightened as to her situation. It was the inception of our plight. As the conversation progressed, I was hopeful. Later, as the thoughts of that call began to take root, Sadness was introduced to the situation. My then 33-year-old kid would have to endure cancer treatments. Still armed with hope we began the journey. As I think about it, it stands to reason, that the unlikely pair of Hope and Denial would go hand in hand. Yeah, lets let Hope and Denial beat up on Sadness; that’s it.

One day I just knew she was down-hearted due to the gravity of the situation. Even…especially now she stayed in contact with her friends. She voiced that they would be going on with their lives and she would not. At this time, I had to tell her, I was proud of her friends. But they paled in comparison as to how I felt about her. That no matter what they may accomplish, that when she accomplished her first monumental task of taking her first baby steps, no friends would ever overachieve her in my eyes. I told her I have and always will hold her in the highest regards. She thanked me for the compliment. I said, “Compliment, Schmonpliment.” We laughed at the rhyme and felt better.

In February 2019, she got tired of sitting around waiting to die. I know this kid. When she announced that she was going to drive for Uber, or was it Lyft, I was not surprised. I couldn’t blame her. Nor did I attempt to talk her out of it.  On one of those trips she called me. She wasn’t feeling too well that day. She had to pull over and gain her composure to make it safely home. Sadness and Fear dominated that day. Denial and Disbelief took a back seat; I might need them back later.

Final acts always give pause for thought. In April of 2019, she and her children went to a resort for a final family outing. Also, Familyfriends were visiting from out of state. At times such as those, I opted for Denial. And no, I didn’t have a look of stark-raving madness as I was doing this. The best way I can explain it is, even if your toe is rubbing against your inner shoe, it will callous to protect itself. The mind will protect itself too if something is rubbing against it too hard. I saw the visits, final trips, hospital visits and still held on to hope. To be totally honest with you, I couldn’t grasp the fact that she could or would die. I really couldn’t.

Another of her final trips was to Las Vegas in December of 2018. Jennifer could be lively at a family gathering, a party, or just chillin’. And taking a trip 5 months before you pass can be an extensive endeavor. We rested a bit. I was happy to be in Vegas with her. Lucky. Grateful. Cautiously something. Scared with a stiff upper lip for I remember the diagnosis we were given in October. When I remember this, I can say she was hopeful too, and also clear-headed. Unlike her mother she was never in denial. She took each step as it came for 4 years. My denial lasted until well after she passed away. I know that sounds ridiculous but that was how this was for me.

Of particular sadness was when the final diagnosis was given because now the kids had to be told. There was really no coping mechanism for that. Not Denial. Not Disbelief. Nothing. When the flesh is dying and the spirit becomes the lead, that rather shows what you are made of. I was so proud of her. Don’t get me wrong, there was grief and fear. There is for everyone. I was very proud of her.  

So be sad. That’s expected. One may say my culture celebrates death. Yeah, but sitting in a room thinking by yourself that you won’t see that loved one tomorrow walking through that door, you will be sad. I heard a saying once. It says the hardest thing to do in a relationship is to leave until you begin to walk away, then it becomes easy, then easier. Dare I say it is becoming easier. Not at this juncture. We’ll just say my mind is not in as big a jumble as it once was. Per that saying, it will never be easier for me because I’ll always have a relationship with her. And not just this sad thing. I think of things all the time which entails laughter. And sometimes I end that laughter with tears or at least teary-eyed. Get over it? Never. Keep it moving? Okay. I do and now it is with her in mind. I sat and pondered one day. My thought process was that I’ll never get over her. And I’ll always be sad about it. And the thoughts of her will always make me happy. I am happy she no longer has to fight with such a steadfast, determined and committed bully. The longer she is gone, the more I miss her. I loved her the day she was born, the day she passed, every day in between, today, and forever.

If a thing loves, it is infinite

Goodbyes are only for those who love with their eyes.

Because for those who love with their heart and soul,

There is no such thing as separation-unknown