I read an article in the USA Today dated August 23rd 2019. It was titled, ‘Death of Sons bond coach, Marty McNair’
The coach, Mike Locksley had heard that Marty’s son, Jordan McNair had died from a heatstroke after a workout. That happened June 2018. Less than a year earlier, on Sept 3, 2017, Mike Locksley’s son was shot to death.
When that happened with Marty’s son, the first thing Mike Locksley knew was he had to talk to Marty McNair because he said, “a lot of people would sympathize, but he knew how he felt. He knew his pain and that’s why he had to reach out to him.”
One of the insights Coach gave Marty was that he was going to stand tall right now for his family and to honor his son but it’s going to hit him. That’s exactly what happens.
One of the most powerless feelings in the world is losing a loved one. There is only so much you can say or do in a situation that you cannot control. Be it instantaneous or expected, the feeling you are left with is empty with you having no ‘ultimate’ say so in the matter. When it is expected, fixing yourself to even think about the word good-bye is nearly impossible. So you fib to God or your higher power in prayer with “not my will but yours”. You want to be correct-you talk to the Father, Son, and HG.
Ultimately you realize there are 8 million people on Earth. Each day, I don’t know, 1 million, 50 million, 100 million will pass away. About this time you find yourself driving in your car with tears meeting under your chin.
Around this time, through hope and hopelessness, you don’t know what to do.
Around this time, you get 2 roles: when you bawl your eyes out and are comforted by your loved one or you are the comforter.
Around this time, you might imbibe.
You talk to the one you love about things past, present and future. There are also bouts of silence whether on the phone or in person. There are normal times be it dinner or enjoying a favorite program. There are also the unspoken thoughts…the ones that seem to permeate our existence now; be it you or the one you love. It’s the time when family and friends show up. And yes people do have the ability to show up and diffuse the situation with humor, good conversation, or just their presence. It makes it better to cope, it really does. Not to sound bad, but out of the 10 people who visited for dinner that Saturday a real revelation will come from 1…the rest is love. Like Coach said, you get a lot of sympathy. It’s better sometime to get relevance.
Sometimes when we lose our loved ones it may be due to an accident, random crime, terrorism, etc. I have great empathy for anyone that experiences instantaneous. Although it’s hard to say good-bye when it is expected, you do have that option. Immediately final… speaks for itself. We must both face the same reality.
I looked around the Internet to connect about this subject and couldn’t find a sight on which I could discuss things concerning the plight that I was experiencing. We hear sincere sayings like, I’m praying for you, they are at peace now, you are strong, all of these things. They are sincere but not open for the dialogue that can be had in such a trying time. There are many what, when, where, how and why questions at this time by everyone be it the child, mom, dad, sister, brother, aunt, hey, the pre-decedent. The answers have a range too: Uplifting, awkward, reflective, inopportune, and hopeful. Sometimes you just don’t have an answer although you attempt to find one anyway. You might try to anticipate subjects but the one for a mother leaving behind children will always be the same. It kinda went like this: Sometimes when a parent departs a child can misstep and become unsuccessful. Yes, that could happen. But from my experience that happens when the child has no one to turn to for direction. It is not the case across the board. We would make sure they adjust, adapt and grow.
I found that people don’t want to be forgotten or they feel they may not have accomplished all that they have set out to do. Not to sound rash but that goes for the living as well. So to the living, set your jaw and do the best you can with the earthly time you have. Set your metrics and meet them until you can no longer. Your loved ones will never forget you.
Ooh, the communications between husband and wife, or significant others. I don’t know. I’ve not experienced that. What are they? Besides you’d better take care of the children.
Thank you for sharing: Lovemaking, fighting, dreams?
Where do you get the words to tell children? Of course that is age dependent. Ours are all in their teens. It made it different than pre-adolescence but not easy.
Some answers were well thought out and some came right off the cuff. We want the most perfect and sufficient answers we can give. A reference point is always helpful. Yes, we talk to clergy and Drs and as helpful as they are more light can be shed by others with a more personable ray.
I write this for one because writing has always been therapeutic for me. I write this because although sympathy is received I think a more kindred dialogue might beget better insight as well as to help with the healing process. It’s not like it’s over now and the loved one is here no more; there is a pre and a post to this. There are realizations from beginning to end and beyond from losing a loved one that are not fully perceived during that time.
I write because my tears still flow heavy.
I called my brother and not because I’m a crybaby/whiner. I was having a hard day that day. (Finally, my day to reach out.) All he wanted to do was talk about a whole different something. This guy who I love was on the phone nowhere to be found talking about a rectifiable situation. I don’t know, maybe he was shaking keys at a crying baby.
I thought it might be pretty cool to have someplace to go to discuss part of our cycle of life. When we have children we post, show-off and give advice…don’t hold him or her too much or it will be a long time before you will get to sleep nights. Well at this point in the cycle we need somewhere to discuss things and get some advice from people, who like Coach Locksley, know how you feel, whether it was instantaneous or expected.
