This will be my first newsletter.

I think a proper place to begin will be with the Stages of Grief.  I do so because I can now see one that had an impact on me until a month and a half after my daughter passed away. That stage would be denial, whose closest running mate is disbelief. There is no allotted time-frame for any stage that is experienced. I am still rather angry, depressed and shocked. I deal with acceptance as best I can. As for bargaining, yes, I would have made a deal with God if he made them.

Denial-Failure to acknowledge an unacceptable truth or emotion or to admit it into consciousness; a defense mechanism.

In August of 2015, I was informed of my daughter’s diagnosis. Surely with medical advances and treatment we would fight and win. No Problem. So as things began to transpire, her passing away was nowhere in my sights, vocabulary, heart, radar or anywhere else. When she started chemotherapy and radiation she would be cured and that would be the end of that. If anyone were to combat and win it would be my kid, that kid.

I won’t say that I should not have been hopeful. We need that attribute in this fight for survival. We need positive expectations, an aim for a good thing. We need to anticipate the best for our loved ones. Still, I did deny, failed to admit into my consciousness that the unmentionable could happen. I did that for 4 years. May the Heavens continue to shine on the families that endured and still have their loved ones!!!

If I had a $10M lottery ticket and tried to collect on it after a year then you can call me crazy because I went pass the allotted time to collect. Stupid, you are now the proud recipient of $10M lighter.

In this community please fill free to utilize the time you need to overcome your grief. It is very hard to accept. Yes, you know good and well it happened but acceptance in the heart is something different.

4 years! Wow 4 years! Some say I did not have 4 hours, or 4 minutes. There was a family that lost their sister, daughter, aunt, wife and mother. She went into the hospital to have a simple surgery. We texted after her surgery about her discomfort. The next day I called and texted but received no answer. Then her husband called me to let me know there were complications and she passed away. I experienced total disbelief.

Still, most recently our headlines described an automobile collision involving drunk driving. It centered on a woman that lived a state away and was visiting for Thanksgiving. She was in the car driving with her teenage daughter who survived the accident. One of the things her brother said was he wished he could remember the last conversation they had. Disbelief, anger and depression are the likely forerunners in this instance. And I am sure that denial was in there somewhere. I say so because when I heard about this highly publicized accident both myself and a lot of people were angry. Some people will be in a stage longer than others. My 4 years in denial probably will not come close to his time in anger…I don’t know.

In August of 2015, my daughter called to let me know that she had been diagnosed with breast cancer. What are you saying? That statement came from nowhere.  It was a most definitive statement and a near unbelievable one too. We discussed the level of the diagnosis as well as the prognosis. What had to be done to evict this invasive, unwelcomed visitor?  And why didn’t they find it on the last mammogram? She told me that she found it herself and there was no prior mammogram. OMG, what kind of mother was I?!!!  I couldn’t help but to think that should have been one of my most important directives. Do your homework. Eat your vegetables. Get your first mammogram by age 30.

Although it was in just one of her breasts, without hesitation she opted for a double mastectomy. As these things were transpiring I could only “stand down” a little. That was to look at and admire her for the way she was addressing this issue. I watched a woman with 3 children ready herself for a fight.

After the surgery, in the hospital, we looked at each other and began to outstretch our arms. Our faces said that we were about to cry. I told her don’t cry: that she had made a great decision and crying didn’t seem the appropriate response. The appropriate here was to be happy because something so potentially dangerous had been dealt with. And since I have never had any need for her breasts that I was not sad at all. Additionally, her friend Bernadette let her know that she wanted all of her bras.

As she showed us the results of her surgery we made light of the “loss” and were hopeful that we were headed to the light at the end of the tunnel. She made her way to the hospital floor and was rather chatty with staff and others about her predicament. She had many visitors which made for an upbeat situation. So as 2015 came to an end and plans were made for her to go back to work everyone began to look forward to a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year. We were all nothing but hopeful. Even as 2016 came and her hair went we were so happy having our bald baby here and fighting. She even called the local news to come to her house to interview her on her plight and the fight against cancer for all cancer victims/survivors.

 I now know that it was a good thing to have hope for my child. There was really no other way to go. Denial was there so that we could exhibit all things good for her whatever the outcome. As stated, disbelief was not far behind.